For example, I totally should be reading one of my 4 plays that are due tomorrow, but I'm not... I should be calling Lisa about production meetings, but I'm not.... I should be brainstorming ideas for super stagecraft, but I'm not... I should be doing laundry, but I'm not.

So yes, there's a couple of things that I should be doing, but alas, I haven't been on a computer and the internet in a looong time so here I am, writing in a blog. Oh well, these things, they happen. =)

Being in a relationship is different.

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

How You Life Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is low. You've probably either had only one relationship.. Or all of your relationships have been very similar. You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try! Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.. It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life. In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

You Are A Cypress Tree

You are strong, adaptable, and striving to be content. You're good at taking what life has to give - even if you don't like it. A passionate lover who can't be satisfied, you are quick tempered at times. You hate loneliness, want love and affection, and need to be needed. A bit of a live wire, you love to gain knowledge any cost... and you can be careless at times.

You Should Be A Libra

What's good about you: A total charmer, you easily find friends and allies What's bad about you: You have a secret side that's easily confused and depressed In love: you enjoy flirting, dating, and the whole process of falling for someone In friendship, you're: very social ... you rather be with your friends than be alone Your ideal job: fashion designer, makeup artist, or song writer Your sense of fashion: very feminine / masculine (depending on your gender) You like to pig out on: sweet stuff like ice cream and french toast

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can. War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace. You are a good mediator and a true negotiator. Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental. You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take. On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit. You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears "I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it." You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

You Have Fantastic Karma

You are a kind, sensitive, and giving person. And all your good deeds will pay off - if they haven't already. But you're not so concerned with what you get in return anyway. You have an innate caring nature - and nothing can change that!

Your Birthdate: July 27

For you, love is a feeling that lingers for really long time - even after a relationship is totally over. In fact, you still make have strong feelings for the first person you fell in love with. You usually are reluctant to end relationships. And sometimes you're the last to know that things are ending! Number of True Loves You'll Have: 5 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 5 You are most compatible with people born on the 9th, 18th, and 27th of the month.

Can I just say that this whole thing is amazingly better than i expected it to be? And that if I lose him over the break, I won't regret saying yes because, well, it's been wonderful. And yeah... I dunno what else to say other than that I miss the boy way too much than is good for me. I wish he wasn't so far away and that it wasn't only three days before break happened that he talked to me.  I wish that I was with him right now, if only for a little bit, just to be reassured that this is real and this is true and he really wants to be with me. Mmmm... i think i'm in love. haha

Giggles and smiles for miles and miles... I can't stop it, so I'll go with the flow.

Please let this be real.

Music make you lose control... according to Missy Elliot, that is. And I do agree with her.

Why isn't giving up an option anymore? Why is wanting the ever-option? And being hopeful to the point where it hurts you more than depression does?

In the words of John Mayer, "I'm tired of being alone, so hurry up and get here."

I just realized that I haven't taken any pictures with a certain new buddy of mine, nor have I yet to take a second picture with the root of my joy and pain. This should be amended quickly.

I need to bring my A game back on. Fall semester is almost at an end and I find myself way behind, GET 'ER DONE!, as my lovely savage Kevin would say. And he's absolutely correct. I need to get it all done, somehow. I need to not fail because failure is awful.

But what isn't awful is the thought of this semester being done and saying goodbye to craziness. Yet I must welcome the new semester of craziness too, but maybe, perhaps I have learned something from this semester so that next semester will be a little better. I said a LITTLE better. So I'm being realistic and hopeful.

I want a good cuddle. And a baby. And my baby's daddy.. minus the baby. (I got it right this time lady.)

something like james bond. cold. icy.

alone

not lonely-- always surrounded by everyone the eye can see, but alone

family... reminds me of lilo and stitch

Yay for finding family!!  I'm really glad you've found a happy family to be a part of.  Everyone really needs that, even if they don't think so or realize it yet. 

Next order of business for me is this stupid music history paper.  no other class has had a paper that was this long.  every other year their paper was 10 pages long tops.  and everyone who had the last teacher passed at least.  we're like, all failing.  so now this paper has to be perfect, and so does the final, or else we all have to take music history 1 over again.  and i definately don't want that to happen.  i don't think anyone does.  it's bad enough we have to take music history 2.  it's amazingly frustrating.  like, i'm working on it, but i have to have a 15 page paper done by midnight on Dec. 11.  and my flute jury is on the 15th.  this is gonna suck.  oh well.  at least i've started it.  i have an outline and whatnot.  but i changed my topic, so now i need different sources, so i have to go back to the library, and some of my online sources can only be accessed from school, so i can't get them right now, so that makes it harder because i can't actually get anything done right now.  *pant pant*

i hate this class.

Yeah that's right James and the Giant Peach! I actually really enjoyed that movie, even though it kinda scared me the first couple of times that I watched it.

I am so lucky to have found my family this semester. I think I've been needing it.

1. What did you do last night?
M.O. Adventure with CK, mallin, Applebee’s, drafting

2. Who’s bed did you sleep in last?
Chaz’s

3. What does the 5th text on your phone say?
”so would it be ok if I emailed or gave you my bio in the morning? Like 9:30ish? My computer is not working.”

4. When was the last time you thought about sex?
sex? What whaaaat?

5. When was the last time you got hurt, physically or emotionally?
HAH, there's a question! But it’s part of life, so let it flow.

6. What did you have for dinner last night?
subway, ben and jerry’s, sizzling apple pie (all shared with CK)

7. Who did you last wake up next to?
Chazness

8. What are you listening to right now?
Lisa Brenner talking about Spilling Stuff

9. What are you eating right now?
Cashews , Mike and Ikes – thanks to Bernie’s awesomeness

10. What bothers you the most about the opposite sex?
hmm.. I don’t have ish with the opposite sex… well maybe I do, but not much.

11. What is the thing you look for most in the opposite sex?
I’d love to find someone that can read me and know how I flow and flow along with me.

12. Are you a virgin?
AM I!

13. Have you dated the same person more than once?
Nah

14. What was the last movie you watched?
The Incredibles!

15. What was the last tv program you watched?
House, but it wasn’t even on tv, we watched it on Jackie’s laptop.

16. What do you want for your birthday?
bubbles and a swing and my friends to be home and hang out with me…

17. What are you doing tonight?
The Office, driving inebriated boys home?

18. When will be the next vacation/holiday?
Thanksgiving

19. How do you feel right now?
slightly tired, a little bit embarrassed, a tad jealous, impatient for this rehearsal to end, slightly worried. Chu know, regular ish.

20. IM IN LUV WITH A STRIPPER?
WORD. All the time.

21. What's your favorite city?
I unno

22. I can't wait to/till....?
…. Mmmmm……

23. What's the best insult you've ever heard or said?
There’s been way too many

24. Who got you to join myspace??
I really don’t remember

25. What's the last thing you said out loud?
"no”

26. What is the last thing/person you spent over $100 on?
uhhhhhhhh….  ::shrug:: I haven’t had over a $100 to spend on whatever in a long time

27. What website(s) do you visit the most during the day?

Emails, myspace, facebook, blogs… yeah, I’m textbook typical, I know.

28. Go into your text message log on your phone. What does your last message say?

“Still at rehearsal but doing notes”

29. Do you have an air freshener in your car?
haha, it’s this bar of soap that my mom claims works as an air freshener, but whatever.

30. Do you have plants in your room?
nope, though I really wish I did… actually, I’d love to go to my room right now.

31. If you could drink anything right this second, what would be?
hot chocolate!

32. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
my back, my brain, my heart (hahaha on the last one)

33. What makes you mad right now?
notes taking too long, being unable to say what’s on my mind

34. Whats the last thing that made you smile?
Spilling stuff cast antics

---

"How do you feel about a _____ man under the blankets?"
"Whatever"

... And the best part was that it really was whatever. It did not phase me at all, like the only thing was that I had little passing thoughts in my head, but other than that, I passed the fuck out. And what I love about the whole thing was that I just felt like a family in that moment, and I loved it.

And what really was dumbfounding?

In the morning, it turned out that it wasn't a dream after all.

So I've figured myself out...  this is how I roll:

I am in no way a fighter. My heart may be one of a fighter, with all the thoughts that have been running through my head... but when it comes to actually going about and doing what it is that I want to do... well I can't. I just can't do it. I can't even open my mouth to TALK. I just can't. And the saddest part of it is that I will never, ever be able to really let someone in.

I think I was built for inner turmoil. I can't never let myself be at peace. I'll always be in hiding. I'll always look to others to help me out and hold my hand through the hardest times that I have to face.

All my life I've always had the mindframe of mind your own business and to keep my mouth shut so as to avoid confrontation and tension and conflict. All my life! And it's not like it's gonna take me a semester to knock this barrier down, and I should have fucking known better.

Well, this weekend has been the most taxing weekend of my life. haha. To put it quite bluntly...which is what a wise man said to me Friday night. And I took his advice. It took me a while to do, but I think I'm starting to be able to do it. Which is a good thing, isn't it?

For now, it stings a little bit more than I can bear sometimes, but you know what? It'll be better in time. I know it will.

But you know what? I feel like I should be fighting for this. I feel like I should say everything that's been running around in my head to him because I believe that he needs to hear what I have to say. And this is the first time that I really don't want to back down with it. The first time that I want to actually fight for it. I don't know why... I mean, what does it matter, you know? He told me to think at things in the way of "will it really matter in a few months, in two years?" and you know, I believe the answer to that is yes because I believe that everything you do matters. Every choice you make matters. And blah, that whole conversation just made me frustrated. But whatever. I should talk again. Let it all out because what do I have to lose anymore? Exactly. Exactly. So I should take that jump and let whatever may come, come.