Entrances are too grandiose and exits are overlooked. Funny thing is how exits are the permenant. Exits are the glowing ashes clinging onto the end of the cigarette that's too short to burn. Exits are the remnants of smoke that intoxicate our lungs with tar and cancer causing microbes.

Exits are the important things that are forgotten and overlooked. How many times do people exit our lives so quietly and completely unnoticed? Then again, exits are things our minds and hearts frown upon recognizing. Why do you think funerals suck so much? They're stark, cold reminders that the person is gone. Period. Our hearts don't like the thought of things being hopeless. That's why our hearts and brains argue all the time.

I always thought stars exploding were the most beautiful and magical phenomenas because they're so... explosive. Stars go out with a bang and they can't stop or help it.

Denial, hope-- whatever emotion you want to label it-- simply keeps us sane for a little longer before reality rapes us of the innocence we cling onto like glowing ashes.

We're done, aren't we?

Sleep isn't rest; it's a time filler. It's a space that we close to make tomorrow come faster, hoping that tomorrow brings more hope than what we feel, than what we think. We try to force things to make sense, to understand why we are the way we are, to control the chemicals firing in the brain that form thoughts that simply confuse us more-- instead of just resting.

Instead of just breathing... tomorrow will come, oh ye of little faith. Stop worrying, stop screaming, stop running because you're running in circles. Just sit and rest. Stop trying to force everything into something neater and just put it in something greater that's willing to accept it, that's able to make it clear. Because our human ineptitude holds us back while something greater sets us free.

The energy should be put into seeking the greater. The focus should be on something more than our flesh and brain and chemical imbalances.

The focus should be

... I don't know.

I put culture in quotes because I don't want to demean real ones. No wait-- I rephrase. I don't want to give a positive connotation to the term used with humans.

Just so you know, 3 people were murdered in Newark recently. People died in Iraq today. More people died in Darfur. There's still a war in Afghanistan.

Lindsay Lohan is in rehab again. David Beckham is the number one sold jersey in America. Kids think McDonalds will always taste good.

Just some perspective. Only in a race so depraved, so backwards, so messed up will you have these headlines in the same newspaper. People still care about stupid celebrities messing up their lives more than the men and women in Iraq. Only HUMANS can care more about specks of dusts in each others eyes than the planks of wood in our own.

Only people.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/asiapcf/08/06/thai.hello.kitty.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/08/06/schoolyard.killings.ap/index.html

http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/diet.fitness/08/06/mcdonalds.preschoolers.ap/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

There's one particular word that I despise and get let down so many times by. I should've known that it would happen... and I should've known that I  would overreact to it happening.


Forgot.  "I'm sorry, I forgot." .... Well that's just great because  just what am I supposed to do now? How can you forget someone you consider to be important to you ? How can you , especially when you know that that person has had a rough couple of days and is still upset?  I guess I'm really not all that important to him.

I feel so hurt by the people who are important to me and it sucks because I can't talk to anyone because the people who I want to talk to aren't near me right now.

And I hate this uncontrollable crying. I hate  that I can't stop. I hate that there's this pain in my chest because of her and him and my whole situation.  I hate that I don't have the means to live independently from my parents. I wish I lived on my own  and had a steady job. I wish I didn't care so much about what they thought of what I do. I wish I had the confidence to do what I want to do and what makes me happy. But they still have a hold on me and i care too much.

I want to be able to go on a road trip and just drive and drive until something catches my interest, stop and explore, then get in my car and continue. I want to be able to not have to call anyone or be obligated to tell people where  I'm going....
to be free is what I want , and it's something that I'm having a hard time getting.

I wish to be understood without having to explain myself. Can't anyone read me?

and the difference:


jon (12:31:14 AM): i don't think i would associate having my friends over at the same time as my girlfriend as romantic by any stretch of the imagination





yeah... life is wonderful when you're a non-verbal, insecure, unsure person.

just wonderful.

...is all i have to say.

Ick. Flu (??), technical difficulties, dancer going to the hospital, too much work to catch up with, and the boy in Sparta.

I'm having so much fun, how are you?

I want to go on a date. haha.. It doesn't even have to be a full out one.. even if its a "let's go to the park and go on the swings" or watching a movie... anything that's outside of the one room. ::sigh:: It'll happen.. i know it will.

Must. get. shit. together.

Bleh, I woke up today with a runny nose that quickly turned to a clogged one.

I hate it when that happens.

So things are going alright, could be better, but I've got no major complaints except for ones that are my own damn fault. lol. But we won't get into those because they're not too interesting. =p What I want to know is how everyone else is doing, even though no one writes in here anymore or visits to see what's up in blogdriveland. Yes, it's a real place, and here you are.

Cabaret is in full swing and light hang was yesterday.. that wasn't actually too bad since I was assigned to gels... and me and gels work well together. They're colorful and I have a serious crush on color. I also hung a couple of lights, but that wasn't as interesting.

Life with a B/F is quite different. More stuff to do, and yet there's less. lol Whatever. Know that I'm quite satisfied with the direction this relationship is going in right now. Although, there could be some changes, I'm not gonna go crazy about it... yet. haha. He does the nicest things though... In my distress over being ill, he kept kissing my forehead and even let me pass out on top of him in the studio. Hooray for being sick! haha... I think I'll have to talk to my Lady Duck very soon.. at least before Spring Break occurs. There's something that I promised her I'd talk to her about that needs to be brought up.

Oh! Mayhap I'll be able to go to Costco today after everyone's done with shop. Hopefully that will be very soon because I am in dire need of rest and recouperation (sp). This being sick deal is unacceptable.

For example, I totally should be reading one of my 4 plays that are due tomorrow, but I'm not... I should be calling Lisa about production meetings, but I'm not.... I should be brainstorming ideas for super stagecraft, but I'm not... I should be doing laundry, but I'm not.

So yes, there's a couple of things that I should be doing, but alas, I haven't been on a computer and the internet in a looong time so here I am, writing in a blog. Oh well, these things, they happen. =)

Being in a relationship is different.

Your Aura is Blue

Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life. You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships. The purpose of your life: showing love to other people Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

How You Life Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness. You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

You Are An INFP

The Idealist You are creative with a great imagination, living in your own inner world. Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop. You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

You Are A Realistic Romantic

It's easy for you to get swept away by romance... But you've done a pretty good job keeping perspective. You're still taken in by love poems and sunsets You just don't fall for every dreamy pick up line!

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium. In general, you prefer to have only one love interest. But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long! There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is low. You've probably either had only one relationship.. Or all of your relationships have been very similar. You still have a lot to learn... and a lot to try! Dominance: Your dominance is low. This doesn't mean you're a doormat, just balanced. You know a relationship is not about getting your way. And you love to give your sweetie a lot of freedom. Cynicism: Your cynicism is low. You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance. No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter. You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate. And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon. Independence: Your independence is low. This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships.. It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life. In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child. Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded. You cherish all of the details in life. Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

You Are A Cypress Tree

You are strong, adaptable, and striving to be content. You're good at taking what life has to give - even if you don't like it. A passionate lover who can't be satisfied, you are quick tempered at times. You hate loneliness, want love and affection, and need to be needed. A bit of a live wire, you love to gain knowledge any cost... and you can be careless at times.

You Should Be A Libra

What's good about you: A total charmer, you easily find friends and allies What's bad about you: You have a secret side that's easily confused and depressed In love: you enjoy flirting, dating, and the whole process of falling for someone In friendship, you're: very social ... you rather be with your friends than be alone Your ideal job: fashion designer, makeup artist, or song writer Your sense of fashion: very feminine / masculine (depending on your gender) You like to pig out on: sweet stuff like ice cream and french toast

You Are a Peacemaker Soul

You strive to please others and compromise anyway you can. War or conflict bothers you, and you would do anything to keep the peace. You are a good mediator and a true negotiator. Sometimes you do too much, trying so hard to make people happy. While you keep the peace, you tend to be secretly judgmental. You lose respect for people who don't like to both give and take. On the flip side, you've got a graet sense of humor and wit. You're always dimplomatic and able to give good advice. Souls you are most compatible with: Warrior Soul, Hunter Soul and Visionary Soul

Your Stripper Song Is

I'm a Slave 4 U by Britney Spears "I'm a slave for you. I cannot hold it; I cannot control it. I'm a slave for you. I won't deny it; I'm not trying to hide it." You may seem shy, but you can let your wild side out when you want to!

You Have Fantastic Karma

You are a kind, sensitive, and giving person. And all your good deeds will pay off - if they haven't already. But you're not so concerned with what you get in return anyway. You have an innate caring nature - and nothing can change that!

Your Birthdate: July 27

For you, love is a feeling that lingers for really long time - even after a relationship is totally over. In fact, you still make have strong feelings for the first person you fell in love with. You usually are reluctant to end relationships. And sometimes you're the last to know that things are ending! Number of True Loves You'll Have: 5 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 5 You are most compatible with people born on the 9th, 18th, and 27th of the month.

Can I just say that this whole thing is amazingly better than i expected it to be? And that if I lose him over the break, I won't regret saying yes because, well, it's been wonderful. And yeah... I dunno what else to say other than that I miss the boy way too much than is good for me. I wish he wasn't so far away and that it wasn't only three days before break happened that he talked to me.  I wish that I was with him right now, if only for a little bit, just to be reassured that this is real and this is true and he really wants to be with me. Mmmm... i think i'm in love. haha

Giggles and smiles for miles and miles... I can't stop it, so I'll go with the flow.

Please let this be real.