Well, now you've gotten it all out to someone in the department.  like for real got it out.  and it took a while, and there were some tears, but personally, i htink it was worth the effort and the stress.  i'm really glad you told him everything.  cuz i don't wanna see you cry anymore.  and if i have to turn into some crazed raving homicidal lunatic to get you to do something to make yourself feel better, then call the men in the white coats. 

And you definately picked the right boy.  he's a good boy.  a nice boy.  the kind of real guy friend you need right now.  i would even go so far as to say that he is an acceptable substitute for when jon isn't around.  i'm sure you'll only become better friends as the semester goes on. 

Now you can start healing.  you've got some things to think about, but you've got a whole group of supportive friends who are pulling for you.  don't worry about it.  you can take your time now, decide how you're really feeling about all this, and what you wanna do about it.  you've got some new, really different perspectives on certain subjects, and i think it would be best if you started thinking about them now before something else comes up.  one thing at a time, but don't leave it for too long.

Yeah, so I'm getting over him. Maybe, hopefully. The only set back that I'm having is the whole I see him just about every fucking day deal. But yeah, I really would love to get over this and move along. It would be nice, just a little bit. I guess talking about it to people in the department is actually working. hahaha... but funny how the people i planned on talking to about it aren't the ones that I'm talking to in reality. hahahaha... oh fucking real life. I hate you and your evil, odd ways. You've made me a bitter and broken woman when I wanted to stay an innocent child who believes in fairies and is happiest with a bottle of bubble solution, a swing, and a sunny day. I don't want this high intensity drama bullshit. I don't want this pain. I don't want a hardened heart. i don't want to like guys who will hurt me without even realizing what they're doing. i don't want to be so apathetic that i've lost my optimistic self.

and no one wants to lose that part of themselves because that's a terrible thing to lose.



Can I have my vacation from the world now? Please?

These are just a few of my cravings... everything i like seems a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker, a little bit harmful for me...."

Goodness... I can't get away from any of this,can I? How can I fall into like with someone else after all this.. well actually, it was building up and I kinda knew it was gonna happen. But why can't my heart chill out for a second? Why can't I have sunshine and smiles for a little before everything drops from under me again? Oh, I know, that's not how the world works, but I wish it would.

Shit, I'm in the crappiest of moods this semester. Thank you life for making this such a pleasurable experience. I mean it.

Everything's connected to each other, but I can't fix anything. I hate life. Actually,  I hate me for wanting the guy to do something and me being afraid to be the person who's like "hey, i kinda like you a little, what do you think of that?".

Fuck men. who needs them?

---

And no really, I AM one of these girls:
1 - I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because she's sleepy, but because she wants to be closer to you.

2 - I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive resturant.

3 - I'm the girl who says,"ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you.

4 - I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will (or at least try to) have fun because it means I am spending time with you.

5 - I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms.

6 - I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me.

7 - I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss.

8 - I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything.

9 - I'm the girl who will have many inside jokes with you and will remember each one.

10 - I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends.

11 - I'm the girl who will listen to you talk.

12 - I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason.

13 - I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the forehead.

14 - I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what she hears or what other people say about us.

15 - I'm the girl who loves it when you introduce me to your friends as your girlfriend.

16 - I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word.

17 - I'm the girl who loves you to play with my hair.

18 - I'm the girl who never gives up hope even when I tell others I have.

19 - I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we break up or spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.

---

So please be kind... if I'm a mess.

"And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn no one to go to...  Without a home, without a friend without a face to say hello to But now the night is near And I can make-believe he's here...Sometimes I walk alone at night When everybody else is sleeping I think of him and then I'm happy With the company I'm keeping The city goes to bed And I can live inside my head...."

I love how fucking ironic this getting better thing has turned out to be.

Ready for this? :
We are in a bar, there is a group of loud and boisterous people who are drinking and having a great time. Seated in one of the booths is a girl, underage and being good. At another booth is her friend, of the age and drunk.

Allie - Matt, are you ok? You want me to drive tonight?
Matt - Listen up, I got this all planned out. Joe's gonna drive his car, you're gonna drive mine to our house and then Joe'll drive you home. <beat> How's that sound?
Allie - That's fine... gimme your keys.

We skip a couple of hours and next focus on the booth where Allie is at. With her are about four others.

Scoot - It's Aladdin! "A Whole New World!"
Allie - Really? Wait, you were serious?!?
Scoot - Yeah, look at the screen...
<Allie looks at karaoke screen and sees "A Whole New World" lyrics>
Allie - Ahh! <sings> I can show you the world... shining, shimmering splendid...
<All join in with gestures galore.Matt shows up from long absence and Allie notices him from the corner of her eye.>
Allie - <nudges Scoot> Look at Goo... he's drunk...
<Scooter looks and nods to Allie... continues trying to score with CK... leaves to mingle. CK, Anne, Quack, Allie remain.>
Allie - Quack, I love your hat... Steal <takes hat from Quack's head and puts it on>
Quack - Go ahead, girl. Aww... you look so cute!
Allie - Thanks, I love this hat... where did you get it?
Quack - Actually, I don't know if it's mine or Chaz's... I bought one a while ago and Chaz kept stealing it until he bought his own... I got it from Hot Topic.
Allie - Awesome, I love Hot Topic... we need to go there before Halloween.
Quack- Me too... we definitely should.... You know, I don't fucking care what people think about me. So Joe can stop shaking his head at me.... I'll care about what people think about me when I'm sober in the morning, but right now, I don't care.
Allie - Aww, what happened lady? Come talk to me...
Quack - Joe's upset with me... I think it's because of Josh....
Allie - Aww, it's ok girl, I understand. Momma understands! <hugs Quack>
Quack - Aww, thanks girl.

Skip a bit to the end.

Joe - Allie
Allie - Yes?
Joe - You ready to go?
Allie - Yeah... <gets up>

Allie circles around the group and says her goodbyes to all. They leave the bar and head to the cars. Matt slips off to the bathroom and Allie goes to his car. Joe goes to his. Matt comes and gets in with Allie.

Allie - Ready to leave?
Matt -  Yeah, let's go.
 
Allie pulls out of the parking space and follows Joe towards Matt and Joe's house.

Matt - Hey... Allie... thank you.
Allie - For what?
Matt -  For painting, for driving me home... everything.
Allie - No problem... like you said, we look after each other, right?
Matt - Yeah... hey when you turn 21..
Allie - You guys will make me happy <laughs>
Matt - Yeah... when you get drunk and need a ride, and if I'm sober...
Allie - Are you even gonna be around when I turn 21? And you realize that I've never been drunk in my entire life, right?
Matt - Well, if I'm around, I'll give you a ride. And I suggest you get a little tipsy before you're 21 so that you don't lose your shit at 21...
Allie - Aww, you'd really give me a ride? Like for real?
Matt - Yeah.
Allie - Promise?
Matt- Yeah.
Allie - Pinky Swear.
Matt - You're asking too much of me right now. <Note: He is just shy of passing the fuck out right now>
Allie - hahaha, Alright... your word is bond anyway, right?
Matt - Absolutely.

Nothing too interesting happens for a while until Matt decides he wants to go to a Commerce Bank before heading home. Allie calls Joe to tell him the change of plans and Joe leads to a bank. Matt gets out to the ATM machine, Allie turns ignition off and walks over to Joe.

Joe - Why are you pouting?
Allie - Do you think it's at all possible for me to get a ride to school tomorrow? My first class is theatre history...
Joe - Yeah, mine too... and it's hard enough getting up for that class...  <beat> Yeah, don't worry, you'll get a ride to class tomorrow.
Allie - Thanks Joe.

They talk for a bit as they watch Matt fumble his way through using the ATM. Then watch with great amusement as Matt makes his way back to the car. Matt and Allie get back in Matt's car and head towards the house.

Matt - Hey, thanks again Allie. <turns to Joe> I'm gonna call my girlfriend and I'm gonna stay right here in the passenger's seat until you get back from dropping her off.
Allie - Alright, well goodnight Matt, see you tomorrow.
Matt - Goodnight Allie.

Allie gets out of car, hands keys to Matt. Joe helps her with getting her things from the trunk and they get into Joe's car.

Allie - Thanks again Joe. Sorry for bothering you...
Joe - Hey, don't be. It's not your fault.... I'd rather drive you home than have Matt driving anywhere tonight.
Allie - I would never have let him drive, you know.
Joe - Yeah... what did he say? "I'm gonna have two beers and then we'll leave?"
Allie - Yep
Joe - But he really did need it tonight.
Allie - Oh, I know... I know.
Joe- Yeah, you probably would... you know, you two have been spending a lot of time lately...
Allie - <pretty much knowing where this is getting at> Yeah, it happens.
Joe-  Yeah it happens... so, putting aside the fact that he has a girlfriend and all, do you like him?
Allie - No.
Joe - No? Not even a little bit?
Allie - No, I don't like Matt.
Joe - He's been calling you a lot lately.
Allie - That's because I'm his fucking scenic painter...
Joe - Yeah, well....

More small conversation, Allie leads them to her house and she gets out of the car, thanking Joe for dropping her home and assuring that she'll call him on the morrow so they both can get to Theatre History.

The end.

Yeah, so how fucking crazy is that? How typical, how very like my life! Just like me life to have things turn out this way. I swear was so close to losing it and just being like "No, stupid... I like you! I am in serious like with you! Or at least, I used to be.. I'm trying to get over you!" But no, I didn't lose it. I just thought it incredibly fucked up that he and I would have this conversation at this time. Oh and I come home, check my phone and discover a text from Corn dog... guess what he said, I'll give you one guess and I'm sure it's all you'll need. Yes, he did go there. Yes, I believe he asked me out for a third time... IN FUCKING TEXT! WTF!?!!? As if I wasn't kicked hard enough the first and second go around, you have to have a round fucking three??? No, I don't like that. I don't appreciate this at all. Not one bit. And no, there is nothing that can be said to make me feel better. There just isn't. I mean, what crap is this? Why is the universe deciding to not leave me be and let me work on being at peace? Nope, we like to fuck the good girls over. And I don't even know if I'm all that much of a good girl anymore because of all this fucking FRUSTRATION of the sexual kind. I mean... I thought I was getting over... everyone. But no. Noooooo... nonononononono because you know what Christine? PCB is still SO MUCH in the fucking picture. I hate. it. And so are all of them. So the alright news that I wanted to tell you has totally been overshadowed by this night... great. Way to suck, Wednesday night. Way to suck.

"i love him, but every day i'm learning... all my life i've only been pretending. Without me, his world will go on turning the world is full of happiness that I have never known."


Les Mis... you are so what I'm feeling right now. Bah. I'm still mad jealous/envious because tonight proved it more and more and more. Whatever. I lie. It matters, I just wish it didn't.

the way our culture is structured:

kindergarten: Tell every child that he or she is a beautifula nd unique snowflake. build their ego and make them love themselves even though they're 5 and can't really understand love or whatever nonsense. They are okay with who they are. They are okay with the world. Everyone loves them. Everything that is a product of their cute little brains is gold and wonderful and woohoo kids yay so cute!

4-12th grade: mmmmmm, you are probably going to fail at something. this, however, does NOT define who you are as a person. You are blessed with some unique talent, whether it be in sports, music, academics. you're good at something, we swear! here, try everything and find out what it is.

College: if you haven't figured out what you're good at yet, you're royally fucked. if you haven't figured out what makes you happy, truly happy, you're going to be paying for it literally and figuratively. you will have a LOT of time and well, you're going to have to know where your roots are or you're going to float off into the world ether. The world does not love you. You are going to do a job that everyone else in your major wants to do. you are NOT a beautiful and unique snowflake, and honestly, your last assignment sucked. You're in college-- you're right before the real world and if you think this is harsh, what a surprise you'll get out there.

The world starts us off with floaties and throws us in the shallow end of the pool. There are plenty of kids that just float along and depend on those damn floaties and their height to survive in the pool.
4th grade comes around and the world upgrades us to the deep end of the water. We still have our floatation devices, but they're getting smaller and what really dictates whether or not you can survive is whether you can swim or if your toes touch the bottom of the pool.
College, you've got no more floats. Your height doesn't really cut it either. It might, maybe maybe.... But it's pretty damn deep... so perfect your swimming methods.
World-- swim or drown. Fight the tide, float along, or just swim. Those are your options. No more floats, no more depending on your body. In the real world, it's mastering a skill and being the best at it. Otherwise, you don't survive.

Relationships (with boys, of the intimate kind, like boyfriend/girlfriend stuff) are overrated. Relationships = time with another person. Person = human. Human = human.

Humans kinda suck sometimes. They're allowed leave sometimes to fuck up and whatever nonsense, but there's also an expected amount of learning.

I don't know the point of my entry, these are just my recent observations and thoughts...

We need to break the standards, be different and prove to the world that we are indeed special. Thus, we are worth giving a damn about. Each of us. We are beautiful women, readers, friends, fellows... We need to survive. Our identities, our roots... that needs to live.

What a semester we've been having so far.  Too much stress I think.  Too much stress.  And too much drama, and too much......ish in general.  It hasn't been all bad I suppose......most of it has been bad and unpleasant and all that, but i don't think it's all been bad.

Even so........i think there's just too much on both our minds.  i don't know what to think anymore, and i'm sure you feel the same way.  i don't know.  and i find myself saying that more and more.  but it's true, and that's really the only thing there is to say.  i don't know.  and it sounds so lame to me everytime i say it.  like, i should know, but i don't.  and what's wrong with me that i don't know?  and what's wrong with me that i can't figure it out?  it is, afterall, me right?  and i know myself best, don't i?  but i'm not so sure of that anymore. 

i'm not really sure of a lot of things nowadays.  but it's bound to happen every now and then i suppose.  it just seems to happen at the worst possible moments.  and it all seems to happen at once.  but again, what can you say but i don't know?

but at least we have each other, and we have other friends that care about us and love us.  i know it's not always quite what we need, but it's still something really solid to fall back on.  it's nice to know they're all there.  but something good is bound to happen to us eventually.  that's just the way everything works.  one day, we're gonna wake up, and something absolutely wonderful is going to happen to us, and suddenly, everything will seem worth it and not so important.  until then, things are probably gonna suck, and i suppose accepting that will lessen the pain to a certain, very very small degree. 

but that's life.  and life sucks.  therefore, since that is life and life sucks, that sucks.  it's simple math.  (and i can't believe i just did that)

I don't even know if I'm really alive right now. For all you guys know, this entry could be just a figment of your imagination... trippy, right?

So I've been spending a massive amount of time out of my house... like I've slept over Quack's and I've just been out till the wee hours of the morning and it's crazy. I mean, I'm not homesick for home that much or for Bloomfield, the area... but I am really really really homesick for my friends in Bloomfield, or the ones that are from Bloomfield. I think Ezra was correct in saying that I need friends out of this fucking department. All this bullshit drama is just driving me crazy. And I usually can take it, but lately it's just been so much for me. Like.... whoa.

Oh, and just so whoever's reading this knows... I'd like to mention how much the world is kind of hating me right now. I mean, it is not merely coincidence that I am totally unable to have any luck whatsoever with the opposite sex...ever. I mean, as soon as I start hoping too much or getting excited and anticipate goodness and nice... bad shit happens. And I'm not even kidding. I am not even exaggerating for the cause. What's up my ass today? The fact that I came into this huge fucking realization last night and it was a really shitty one.. and one that a person never ever fucking wants to admit to and wake the fuck up and realize... yes, it's that shitty. Because last night, my heart, my mind... whatever the fuck decided to let me in on this fact... told me this: "Alisone, he is not yours. He never was, or perhaps he had the potential of being yours last school year when you were both still new and didn't know as many people... but you missed that chance long ago. He is hers, and they are perfect for each other. You knew this last semester, you've kind of always known... but now, I'll tell you that it's a certainty. He loves her, and she loves him - she only needs to have a realization of the sort that you are having now to have it be perfect for them. But the fact is, he doesn't read you like he reads her. He doesn't understand you and your fucking complications like he does to her. He doesn't see you as one to use as a pillow, or as someone to talk to about his problems. He is not your match. This is truth. Look and see."

And I saw. I saw and I heard and I yearned for... I hoped that the voice was lying to me. I hoped that the voice was my overreacting, but for the first time... this voice spoke the honest to goodness, cold hard truth to me. And I wished and prayed that it wasn't true, but it is. And I also realized that what I'm feeling is a process that everyone has to go through... and I know that this is supposed to hurt like a bitch and that my heart is supposed to tear just a little bit. I know all this. And I accept it because it's all that I can do. I know that I am going to cry over this, I know that my heart will hurt and I know that it will take time for me to really get over this... but you know what? Chalk up another one for the world, because this girl knows she's been beat.... again. And will always be beat because it is the nature of the world.  To the world, and to the people who are a part of this world, I will forever be the understudy and never an actual character in the play. It's just the way that it is, and I think that I'm finally beginning to accept this. And as much as it sucks, as much as I'm going to bitch and moan about it still and as much as you might say it's not true.. it's fucking true. It's truth in it's purest state. It's me, silently crying at Quack's apartment last night when I came to terms with my life... it's me tearing up as I write this entry, but never actually getting to crying beause there's people in the room and I hate crying in public. It's me, not saying a damn word to any of the people who are closest to me right now about this. And it's me... just me.

I don't want to be like this. I hate being pessimistic, but how can anyone not be when all this is happening to them? I'm fucking trying to be someone who someone else can love, but why isn't it working? Am I that bad at this whole game? I mean, I just fucking realized that I am 99.9% positive that there is not a damn one of these fools in this fucking dept. that I am compatible with because they just would never be interested. I wish someone would understand me. I wish someone could read me and my words and actions, or lack thereof and just know what was up with me - good or bad. But no one has been able to do that for me as of yet. Why the fuck not? Why can't I have something pure and good in my life like that? Why? Why can't I have a guy who's there for me, whether I want him to be or not? You know, it's really shitty to be so fucking isolated and basically a loner in this department. There's no one that I can turn to because the one or two people that I would really like to turn to are so deeply involved in my pain that I'd rather it be just me who has to deal with this knowledge. Cuz it's fucking bitches when everyone knows and it just complicates things... and no one wants that... fuck it. FUCK IT.

And something that's kinda been bothering me but not so much bothering as moreso just pondering... you know how there are just some people that you can be close to and hang out a lot with but never really get the kind of relatioship where physical contact isn't awkward? What's up with those? Like you don't even do this purposely, but just the thought of hugging that person or snuggling up to them is weird for you, yet you can spend your entire day with that person and be mad chill with them.... that kinda pisses me off.. cuz you think to yourself, Man, I kinda wish that I had a physical contact/affection relationship with this person... it would probably be mad awesome.. and comforting.. well, maybe, maybe not.. but you'd never really know cuz you think it would be too awkward.

I hate being a sissy. I hate being too afraid to TRY.

I fucking can't take this shit anymore. Is it too much to want to be left alone for a little bit? But I don't really want that in the first place, do I? No, I want to have my significant other, right now, right here. I need male contact - right now. And I don't want it to be that stupid f*****. He went too far. To think that I'd actually enjoy him joking around like that is bullshit. BULL. SHIT.

Where's my child. Where's the father? I need to be held. heh. I really do, I mean, this is killing me and it's not even such a serious thing to be upset about. What? What did I just say? I don't know. I'm just spouting it all out because I don't know what else to do. Do I have to upset people around me and ruin things? Turn it around: Do people have to upset me and ruin me? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

I'm being self-centered aren't I? I'm just being ridiculous and over-exaggerating and all that crap that people do with themselves. It's just that I'm not used to it. I'm not used to breaking like I am doing right now. And I'm not used to being so desperate about this whole situation. It's a ridiculous situation and I wish it wasn't the way that it was, but that's the hand that I was dealt. Too bad I suck at playing cards. haha. Oh metaphors.

And why do I have such a need for being held right now? Like honestly, what's so special about guys? Why do I need them? Can I just be asexual and not have to worry about all these complications? Can I just stop caring? This caring thing really sucks sometimes. Like a lot. But hey, at least my work is getting done and I'm still functioning, right? Right. Right. Right. Right.....

Right.






Wow, I'm pitiful.

Okay, not really... but I wish it worked like making things happen for reals. lol

I haven't even posted up what happened this weekend... what I was saying from my last post had to do with some other time, but since you know what happened this amazingly rollercoasterish weekend, I'd rather not have to type it all out. haha... Because it was that horrifying and upsetting. Ick. I still can't get over the fact that he was so clueless and tactlesss.... like I don't even know what the deal was... what his mentality was that he thought he could get away with asking extremely private questions in public places. WTF??? I don't understand him,  I mean, I've been trying my best to be nice and deal with it but that's just the thing... I don't know how to deal with it and the next thing on what to do is something as upfront and in-your-face. Or at least, that's all I can think of to do next. Make it better, please? haha... I hate confrontation like nobody's business. Like no one's business. Shiz. ::sigh::

I can't even write anything anymore, this is some depressing shite. I blame it on The Last Kiss, circumstances, people, and men.

Whoa girl.  It's a good thing we had that baking night.  Sounds like you needed it bad.  Like, worse than I had originally thought.  But it's okay.  There's always a silver lining somewhere.  I'm having trouble finding it for myself at the moment, but I know it's there somewhere.  It's like the line from Black Beauty

"Do your best and leave the rest.  'Twill all come right, some day or night."

Like Cordero, scold him in private.  Tell him that you really definately don't like him that way, and tell him to leave you alone about it.  This is not something that should be stressing you out, and he's making it a big deal.  And tell him he should be ashamed of himself for bringing it up in front of a van full of people.  He has no right to put you on the spot like that.  I know everyone is friends with him, and it seems like everyone is on his side, but I know what this is really doing to you.  And I'm on your side.  And so is Carla, and Lindsay, and I'm sure Jen sould be too if she knew what was going on. 

And with that other thing, you'll find a way to tell him.  I know it's hard.  It was easier for me because I got it dragged out of me.  Unfortunately, I don't think that's gonna happen for you.......without a little doing.  I'm sure I could probably arrange some sort of confrontation, but I don't think that would really be appropriate.  And I don't really think it's my place to do something like that.

I have every confidence that you'll find a way to get through this.  And I know that you know that you have all of us to lean on.  We'll all get through this ish.  And we'll all help each other through this ish.  And then the ish will be behind us, and we'll all be happier, and we'll all be stronger.  Most of all, we'll all be closer. 

So don't sweat it.  It'll all turn out okay.  When it will turn out okay, I can't say.  But I know it'll turn out okay in the end.